me veras volver

update on self

libertad — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 06:30:17 +0000

whenever i see this blog it depresses me, but i hid it so no one can see what is written here. i needed a place to write that can’t be found since i can’t trust anyone in this house, and i feel like such a loner, outcast, etc. i’ve been trying to increase my social skills, but that’s not it.

i’ve been trying to go to church more often, trying to be a bit more involved, etc. things have changed.

in the past, i had enjoyed church but i think i’m far too liberal now. the things i used to think make sense now sound like bullshit, the people i meet there feel like prudes. i don’t like to bad-mouth, but i needed to express myself somehow, let it all out. honestly, church is boring, and most of the people i met last year barely started talking to me this year, and they feel nosy. i don’t feel comfortable being told what to do, that beer is a sin, or having to answer personal questions and engage in conversations with “leaders.”

i realize these things are important, prayer, church, etc. but i’ve always been kind of an outcast anyhow. church has helped me have some good experiences, but i’ve also had some of my worst there. i don’t know how things will be. i think the thing that keeps me going back is this house. i can’t stand this house. i feel worthless, actually, but i don’t feel comfortable talking about this with anyone at church.

new goals

libertad — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:09:50 +0000

1. read at least 1 book per week
2. box more
3. eat NORMAL size portions instead of my usual, which is enough to feed at least 3 people for every meal
4. art more
5. more poetry
6. figure out adobe illustrator
7. apply to 10 jobs per day
8. start that photoblog
9. write creative nonfiction for next undeniables session
10. take care of my skin
11. play guitar at least 20 minutes a day (but scales and warm-ups don’t count)

New goals

libertad — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 06:43:04 +0000

To stay away from non-plant based carbs. Find other sources of iron and protein for daily consumption and job-hunt like CRAZY

Self-Medication

libertad — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 08:35:35 +0000

College ended and it’s very surreal. I realize that I have been depressed for a very long time, based on my counselling sessions, experiences, and overall outlook on life. I realize this because I tend to attract people who are full of life who I know realize that something is wrong with me, but are too nice to say anything about it because they are afraid that depression is contagious. I have noticed how my level of happiness has decreased year after year throughout my college career to a point in which I have reached the low that is so low that I need to turn back and find my focus soon.

I am trying so hard not to dwell on this sadness, and reading up on diets and other tips to help me get over this naturally. I don’t want to isolate myself from friends or family but it’s what I’ve always done, and hanging out with others and watching them smile is so hard for me. Today I was working out and started crying for no apparent reason. I am trying to be more spiritual and emulate the actions of those I admire, in hopes of seeing if they will help me find myself.

The energy I had after coming back from Mexico didn’t last long for obvious reasons. It got to the point in which I could not pick up a paintbrush. Perhaps I am demented and dwelling on the past too much. I still think about Nicolas and sometimes even Arturo I replay daydreams about what I would have changed if I could have explained my economic situation, which, although it cannot be blamed for everything bad that has been happening to me throughout my entire college existence, definitely played a big role. I know I have made the best decisions but all I can do now is move. No more days in which I will have some financial aid bailout every quarter that I’ll pay up the wazoo for the rest of my life, no more. I have to find a way. I must find a way, and I won’t be able to if my self-esteem remains the way it is, if I don’t let go of my situation, if I keep dwelling on the fact that I have nothing in my wallet and a student loan bill that will enslave me for the rest of my life. I still can’t stand capitalism though.

I’m trying to remember the days in which I had goals and aspirations. I’m trying to remember what that felt like. I’m trying to remember what it was like to truly care about someone and have them care in return. I’m trying to remember what it was like before everything just happened… I know I’ll get there someday, but I’m afraid of baby steps and feel that I just need to nose-dive straight into the process. I hope I can explain everything to everyone someday, everything about how sad I was this entire time, how lonely it really was, and how, although it cannot excuse everything, definitely controlled my life, my outlook, and everything else.

him….

libertad — Thu, 14 May 2009 09:55:26 +0000

I miss him so much.

Actually, I miss both “hims” so much.

Procrastination….

libertad — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 17:29:14 +0000

So today I went on some web sites, including WebMD, to read about procrastination because I suffer from it terribly. In fact, it turns out I have the symptoms of someone who could possibly procrastinate because of ADHD or depression…. Perhaps I might even go into the counseling center next quarter to talk about it with one of psychologists there if I feel it’s a problem since I only have… oh 10 weeks to get a job and figure out my life. Even so, I’m applying for a studio and MUST get a move on on that research if I want to do artists from Oaxaca any justice. I wanted to do something art-related but will consider those union jobs my friends have been telling me about… Hopefully my economic problems won’t be so bad this quarter. I’ll be working at the Beall, which pays practically nothing, but it’s better than nothing.

A few goals:

-ride my bike to school on a daily basis
-no social networking
-update my blog more often (the tumblr one) by finding more interesting content
-eat only home-made food
-dumpster-dive at least 2ce per week (it has been a handy source of cash and goods so far, not too much cash, but definitely helpful).
-apply to about 5 jobs a day… including administrative positions
-network with professors for jobs… doing ANYTHING.
-look up Academia de San Carlos as possible grad school choice
-work on art, at least a doodle… every day
-less tv
-stick to the vegetarianism
-read the books I bought from IMIX

We’ll see what happens

whoa… 3 months till I graduate (i hope)

libertad — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 21:24:54 +0000

Well, it’s been three months and I feel as if nothing has changed. I didn’t slack off in school but I felt as if I haven’t given my very best and I have a problem with it. When I had come back from D.F. I had felt so inspired and Irvine quickly sucked the life out of me. Economic problems and lack of a job didn’t help but I’m going to try to get back. I bought and checked out a lot of cool books this weekend for inspiration and plan to spend a lot of my spring break delving into unfinished projects and just clearing my head. I might also possibly go to San Diego and will spend a good chunk of time in L.A.

One of my new goals is to apply to about 10 jobs per day using various web sites and vamping up my photojournalism portfolio. I also need to sing/play guitar more and want to concentrate on that. I’m a bit sad, one friendship I thought I had was diminished, and in keeping with trying to reach new levels of hermitude, I won’t release his name here because I know people will find it and take everything way out of context, but I was surprised, EAP friends thought I was dating this dude. Funny how rumours start and how they are so far from the truth at times… we are not speaking terms and it makes me sad, but it also makes me realize that he was never worth my time to begin with, he hasn’t grown up even after apologizing for his immaturity, and needs more time to figure himself out, which I can live, but I don’t have to suffer because of it, do I?

I really miss Mexico and applied to a job in Tuxtla Guitierrez, Chiapas. Because the economy is so terrible I am looking for jobs all over the world, wherever I can communicate is fine with my. My French and Portuguese language skills are improving and I can hold conversations with tourists or with people over the internet. I’m getting better at writing letters and was surprised that TV5MONDE actually understood my e-mail asking them for a job. I have to translate my résumé and CV into French, Portuguese and Spanish, and I’m going to ask my cousin for help translating it into Italian because I SUCK at Italian. I’ve been listening to a lot of French and Portuguese music too, to get used to the languages and I’m going to try to learn some of them on the guitar to see if that helps. Meanwhile, I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex-roomie, whom I had an ENORMOUS crush and whom nothing happened with, probably for the best. I was inspired to write him this letter in keeping with the one I wrote to my roomies but never gave them. Here goes nothing…..
Querido Nico:

Sé que has de pensar mal de mi y que tal vez no te acuerdas de mi, por eso es que no respondes mis correos, pero no importa, yo soy la que tiene la culpa por todo. La verdad es que no conociste la verdadera yo, creo que tal vez nadie en México me conoció y la única persona a la lo enseñe mi verdadera cara me despreció (y lo sigue haciendo hasta éste momento). Sé que te dí una mala impresión de mi persona y espero verte algún día para poder explicarte todo con calma.

Mientras en México tuve varios problemas económicos, no me quize endeudar y por eso a veces hacía cosas estúpidas o me mantenía encerrada en mi cuarto. Cuando ya me nivelé era muy tarde y fue por eso que decidí irme a Chiapas, luego a Guatemala y El Salvador. Necesitaba estar en un lugar en donde yo podría analizar todo y ese viaje fue muy importante para mi. No le dije a nadie de mi familia hasta que llegué a San Cristobal de las Casas y para entonces sé que mi mamá les estaba llamando. Sí, tienes razón soy loca. Le tengo un poco de miedo a la muerte y por eso a veces hago cosas muy locas. Hay que hacer todo y vivir todo por que al morir será muy tarde, pero hay algo que no hice contigo y por eso a veces pienso en tí con una tristeza muy profunda. Núnca te dije cuanto te respeto, casi núnca te cociné nada y núnca fuimos ni a un museo juntos… ahora tal vez nunca te volveré a ver y tenemos muy pocas memorias juntos.

Tal vez te tengo que explicar por qué a veces fuí tan agresiva contigo y con todos los que vivían en la casa. Antes de vivir ahí viví en Altillo y fracasé con un muchacho ahí. Cuando se fue yo estuve triste y me sentía triste de que lo arruiné todo. Tenía miedo de hacer lo mismo contigo, de dañarte igualmente así que decidí no pensar en tí de esa manera por que un segundo fracaso en México de ese tipo hubiera sido demasiado para mí. De todos modos, aunque no te traté mal, no merecías el lado de mí que te enseñe. Normalmente soy más abierta e inteligente con los demás, normalmente le enseñe más pasión a mis conocidos y la verdad es que me quiero comer al mundo entero y me gustaría más teniendo amigos como tú. Eres una de las personas más genuinas que he conocido. Me enseñaste que no todos los hombres son malos y me hacía triste que los otros te llamaban nombres, aunque sé que tú no lo tomabas personalmente eso me enojaba y yo admiro tu disciplina en esa situación… yo les hubiera dado unas buenas cachetadas…

Eso no es buena excusa, pero hay que entender más; yo empezé a trabajar de muy temprana edad y fuí criada con la idea de que no se le puede confiar a nadie, especialmente a un hombre. Nunca entendí a la gente que tiene la vida tan facil, que ha podido viajar, en fin, hay pocas cosas que en entiendo en el mundo y la mayoría de tiempo siempre tengo preguntas. Odio la autoridad de todos tipos y la verdad es que tengo muchos talentos pero tiengo miedo, mucho miedo. Ahora que estoy en los Estados Unidos de regreso y la vida es tan difícil empiezo a entender que la música, el arte y el amor son todo lo que tengo. Estoy leyendo el diario de motocicleta (del Che) y ahora creo que sí entiendo lo que él decía con su famoso dicho: la fundación de la revolución es el amor. Y tú nunca supiste que sé amar, que sé trabajar, sé ser buena amiga y más que todo, sé como llorar.

Bueno, espero no haberte aburrido con ésta carta pero quería que sepas por qué no pude ser tan genuina. Ojalá nos podamos ver algún día en la vida. Me hubiera gustado continuar nuestra amistad. Iré a Francia algún día a conocer tu cultura… ¿sabes? yo antes le tenía muchisimo miedo a los franceses por la forma en la cual los estadounidenses los odian, la mayoría de gente por éste rumbo todavía piensan que todos son mala onda, pero yo sé que hay gente estupida por todos lados, igual, hay gente buena como tú en cada país. Te deseo toda la felicidad y todo lo mejor del mundo. Eres muy especial.

Sinceramente,

-I.

strange and out of place….

libertad — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 08:27:31 +0000

Welcome back to the U.S. I should feel like I am home right now, like the routine is super-familiar, but do not. Things should, in essence, be comfortable and I should, if not feel happy, I should at least feel secure about the way things are in this life. I should feel like I know what is going on and that I at least have some sense of control, but I do not. I can´t describe how displaced I feel or how disturbing it is. The fact that at least some of the people I care about are still around is a big comfort, even if I’ve only seen them for a few seconds since I’ve arrived… Still, I’m sure things happen for a reason. I left for a reason, I came back for a reason. Everything that happened, happened for a reason… no time to analyze, I’m just going to focus on everything, and that’s it.

trying to be more positive…

libertad — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:57:53 +0000

So my road trip to Chiapas ended up working out nicely, as did the cruise from Mexico to Guatemala and the bus ride to El Salvador. I was completely full of energy until I got here and had to deal with the fact that my family doesn´t let me go out in public and that I have changed in ways that make me more incompatible with relatives I was closer to before. So now what?

My flight from San Salvador to Los Angeles was cancelled and I´m hold on Skype trying to get this fixed… I think after coming here I´m not coming back to El Salvador for a good two years or so just to shake off the bad vibes. There´s nothing wrong with anything except that I´m used to going out and being completely on my own, always seeing what´s new instead of just being in the house, at least taking a walk somewhere to keep myself from being bored, and I´m unable to because my family is paranoid about the dangers of being here alone. Also, my cousins and I don´t have the same ideas about going out or staying in, and I´m gaining weight here from eating and not being able to go out like I´m used to.

On top of that I don´t have privacy here that I´m used to having and feel reluctant to ask for anything more than what is given to me because my family has been so hospitable. It´s just like I was warned in those EAP returnee letters, people don´t really seem interested in your journey and you just feel bad about not being able to share all the details, on top of that, I have to deal with my family´s prejudices about Mexicans and how I´ve picked up their accent so quickly… I realize I just have to not say anything if it´s going to be mean, because I´m not feeling very positive or compassionate at the moment. I hate the commericialism that is the holidays now, I can´t stand malls and have done my best to avoid them at all costs and although I never had a taste for Salvadoran tortillas, I officially despise them more.

I guess I´m going through double culture-shock, first going into El Salvador and dealing with relatives I see very little of, on top of having to go to the states and dealing with ä setting that is supposed to feel familiar to me… I don´t know how I´m going to deal. I¨m just trying not to think about it since a lot of my EAP buddies are already back and seeing them, as well as my old buddies will bring some comfort. I´m trying not to be afraid of coming back, because it means I will have to deal with finding a job, working super-hard, and forging a future between now and June… I have to try to be positive, to be someone who brings people up instead of down, and hopefully all will work out.

the end is the beginning is the end-Mexico version

libertad — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:33:20 +0000

Well, today I decided it will be my last day in DF. Most people would say I’m stupid, but I decided to skip my flight to El Salvador and travel by bus. I’ll just have to live with the fact that I am going to lose that money, but at least I know I paid $645 for THREE flights when I normally pay about $700 for the flight to El Salvador alone (unless I can convince Expedia to reimburse me a little, but I doubt that will happen).

What can I say about this experience? Well, everyone was right, EAP is definitely full of adventures and although it did not turn out as peachy as I expected, I can’t say it was bad or useless. I’m not going to say I found myself, but perhaps I got to know myself better and see how I reacted to unfamiliar situations. Yes, there were some minor mistakes here and there, but they’re in the past now and whatever scars they may have left, I’ll probably get over them while backpacking a bit before I get to El Salvador.

I had tons of financial problems here, first because my financial aid came late and second because of things with my family. I realized how different I am from my parents, how much I disagree with them, and although I have a lot of respect for them, I can’t help but feeling a bit angry at them because they constantly said this trip was a waste of my time, and our money. Basically, all my arguments about anything with my mother were about this, and I don’t see these arguments going away anytime soon, as I don’t have a job yet for when I come back to UCI. But enough about that, I got to go to Veracruz and Oaxaca, and am now on my way to Chiapas, Guatemala, and then El Salvador. Yes, my parents will get angry, but I just feel the need to do this. I know there’s something there I’ll find on the way.

As for changes, I suppose you DO change a bit while on EAP. I think I became more of an environmentalist while here. My lungs are feeling very weak and I need to get tests done to see if I have chronic bronchitis or some other lung disease. I’ve been coughing frequently for about two years now, but my lungs started feeling worse with time here in Mexico because of the contamination. Talking for long periods of time now takes up a lot of energy and I need to pause once in a while to breathe. I had to stop running because of the pain in my chest when I would stop. I think whatever is going on with my lungs is also draining my energy because I’ve been eating as much as I always have but still lost weight, if anything, I eat much more than I used to some days and still feel like I’ve eaten nothing at all. I know a lot of people would be happy to lose weight, but because I lost it so fast, I don’t feel that great.

I think that’s why I became a bit more conscious about carbon emissions and pollutants. I’m definitely feeling the effects of pollution and don’t think I would have gotten worse if I had stayed somewhere that isn’t so populated.

As for any spiritual changes, or changes to my personality… I’m still not sure yet. I guess I’ll have to let my friends at home decide what’s different, besides that piercing in my nose, which hurt a little. I think I talk a lot less now, but that’s partially because it’s hard for me to breathe well when talking too much. I guess that’s the upside of feeling a bit sick, you listen more.

I think a lot of my priorities have changed while here, and so have some of my tastes. Had I been here last year, perhaps my entire purpose of going somewhere like Chiapas would be to try to get into the jungle and talk to Zapatistas. Now, after the stories I’ve heard from friends who are from there, as well as Arturo, who spent time there, and people from UNAM who’ve been disappointed by the EZLN, trying to enter a caracol isn’t even an issue for me. I’m curious, yes, but I won’t be sad if I don’t end up going. There’s actually anti-EZLN grafitti at ENAP, which I thought was very interesting. Even more interesting is that NO ONE bothered to tag something over it the entire semester, or tag pro-EZLN graff somewhere on campus. I guess everyone who knows something about them, and has been able to see what’s up, knows that movements lose their way.

I guess now, my environmentalist side wants to see the jungle because, when you have the opportunity to see paradise, you should. I am a bit freaked out, I’m going by myself, and I’m taking my laptop, guitar, and cash with me. But deep inside I know I’ll be all right and that, however angry my family gets at me, they’ll get over it eventually. I’m not really afraid of being alone, just having my guitar break down on the way or something. I am padding it with clothes to reduce this risk.

I definitely think I “see” things differently. I can’t describe how or why, travelling just does this to you and I think my new “vision” is going to cause a lot of problems with my family when I see them in El Salvador, or with my parents when I see them again, which probably won’t be until graduation.

As for Irvine, I’m very afraid of going back there, actually. I’m taking over Grace’s spot in Irvine because she’s going to South Africa, to have her own adventures and experience. I’m not really afraid of her roommates, or of meeting new people. I’m just afraid of Irvine in general. After living here, where I can actually afford things even when I’m “broke,” and seeing so much color and life, I’m afraid of being drained of life. I’m afraid of being a drone again, at UCI and of having to talk about everything that happened in Mexico because I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to find the words to describe this experience. I think that to me, Irvine is scarier than the time I got mugged in the metro, or the time I thought I was hearing bullets (which turned out to be fireworks) near my apartment.

I am; however, looking forward to biking to school, since Grace was nice enough to let me borrow her bike while I was gone. I’m already used to taking public transport here, and will feel terrible about my increased carbon emissions upon my return. I’m grateful that I least I did EAP somewhere in which I can return to quite easily when I want to, or when I have a bit of cash to spare. I’m not ready to leave yet, and have a lot of things I wish I would have done or could have done, but I need to find a job, get settled again, finish certain things in California, and move on.

I decided I have a few goals now that EAP is over:
-live as frugally as possible
-work on art (specifically photography and design)
-try to get better at painting so I can make those murals…
-find a J-O-B
-sell things I don’t need on Craigslist
-start eating meat again (at home, not just with tacos and tortas)
-explore nature more
-visit local Native American reservations
-get involved at El Centro
-start submitting work to galleries
-polish up that deviantart account, which basically has 7 things in it….
-forget about that unrequited love in Mexico (both of them, ha ha)
-weed out those who are not true friends and stick ONLY to those who are
-work on that poetry

Hmmm, I feel like I’m not done saying what I need to say yet, but I need to pack and turn in my LAST final at UNAM so I can be ready to leave tonight. Back in cali in exactly one month….